


Lapsus Memoriae

by cordeliadelayne



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, False Memories, Getting Together, M/M, Masturbation, Mind Sex, Mindfuck, Sexual Fantasy, Stolen Memories, Werewolves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-18
Updated: 2015-09-18
Packaged: 2018-04-21 03:16:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4812896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cordeliadelayne/pseuds/cordeliadelayne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Snape needs Lupin's help and both of them get more than they bargained for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lapsus Memoriae

**Author's Note:**

> Written for lore and originally posted to Livejournal in 2006. She gave the prompts "time stands still and Sirius Black".

_A memory is what is left when something happens and does not completely unhappen. - Edward de Bono_

It was seven years to the day that Sirius Black had died and Remus Lupin was sitting on the ground before his burial mound, lightly fingering his favourite photo of his friend. Of course there was no body buried here but he and Harry had decided that some sort of memorial was needed, especially now that the Ministry had cleared Sirius of any wrongdoing.

The leaves swirled around him, muffling the footsteps as the other man approached, head bent forward against the wind. So intent was Lupin on the picture and all the emotions it brought up that he didn’t notice the magic weave it’s way around him or that outside the circle the spell caster had created, time had ceased to function.

“Lupin?”

“Severus? What are you doing here?” Lupin asked, slowing turning to face the other man. He let out a small gasp as he saw the look on Snape’s face; a pure rage he’d be seeing in his nightmares for years to come. “Severus…?”

“I have to be sure.”

“Sure about what?”

But Snape didn’t respond and with a flick of his wand Lupin’s breath caught in his throat and he couldn’t think, could only grasp at the grass beneath his hands.

“I have to be sure,” Snape repeated, taking his time in kneeling before the other man as he fought for air. Snape’s eyes narrowed to tiny pinpricks as he concentrated on Lupin’s eyes. A moment’s confusion flitted over his expression, before being replaced by relief. And then he removed the spell and Lupin’s lungs began to work overtime at filling his lungs with sorely missed air. He had never been so glad to be alive. Or so angry. Yet when he looked up to demand an explanation, the other man was gone.

=======================

It was three weeks before Remus was to see Snape again, enough time for his anger to have lessened to determined curiosity. He’d been trying to work out what Snape had meant, but had got no satisfactory answers. Sure about what? There were so many layers to their relationship at the best of times that it could conceivably mean anything. But then why had Snape chosen that day, that place, to invade his mind? As he faced the prospect of seeing Snape on familiar ground the anger began to boil just under the surface; he could very well imagine what Harry would do if he told him about it. Which was the reason he hadn’t told him, hadn’t told anybody, about their strange meeting. But today was the first birthday of Harry’s son, Sirius, and he had insisted that the old members of the Order, and everyone who had fought in the War, be present. And as Snape had proved distinctly uncomfortable at denying a request Harry made since the final confrontation between Harry, Snape, Neville and Voldemort, he would be there too.

Hesitantly Remus walked up the drive to Harry’s secluded house. Voldemort’s defeat had left the Wizarding World even more interested in Harry’s life than before; the _Daily Prophet_ in particular had harassed Harry so much that hiding their home away was the only way he and Ginny could cope. At least when at Hogwarts Harry was afforded a modicum of privacy.

“Remus, are you coming inside or wot?” Tonks yelled from an upstairs window, her purple hair off-set by a jaunty yellow party hat.

“Coming right up,” Remus yelled back, triggering the password to the front door, “aniseed balls”, just as Snape apparated next to him.

“Foolish tradition,” Snape remarked quietly, no bite to his words. Remus nodded vaguely in agreement before whirling on the other man.

“Are you going to tell me what that was about?”

“What?”

“You know damned well what I’m talking about. “I need to know”. Well, I need to know too, Severus. What…”

“…What’s he done now?” asked Harry, his eyes dark and a remarkably Slytherin-like snarl on his face as he appeared in the doorway.

Snape, his expression masked as always, didn’t respond.

“Nothing for you to worry about, Harry.”

Harry didn’t look convinced. “Remus…”

“Just a misunderstanding. Which I’ll be more than happy to clear up. Inside.” Severus’ voice remained soft, though his eyes were as hard as steel.

“Just…don’t start anything,” Harry acquiesced, stepping out of the way so that Snape and a curious Remus could step inside the house.

Avoiding the squabbling Weasley’s in the hallway the three men slipped into the living room, Harry spelling the door locked behind them. Snape strode over to the fireplace, his back to the others. Harry kept his wand in his hand and stood by the door. Remus headed over to the drinks cabinet and poured himself a whisky.

“Little early for that, don’t you think?” Snape sneered, his back still to the room.

Remus hovered his hand over the glass. It was true that he’d been drinking more than usual, but then he could afford to now, and he wasn’t going to let Snape of all people dictate to him. So he downed the drink in one and poured himself another.

“Is one of you going to tell me what’s going on?" Harry asked. Snape finally turned around, his face devoid of any emotion.

“Dumbledore’s Pensieve has been stolen.”

Harry blinked confusedly. “Stolen?”

“But how?” Remus asked. “I thought it was secure at McGonagall’s?”

“It was. Until last night. I take it you haven’t received word from St Mungos?”

“Word…what…Is Professor McGonagall all right?”

“She was attacked in her home last night.”

“What?!” Harry shouted. “But why didn’t anyone tell us?”

“I’m telling you now,” Snape replied, his voice sending shivers down Remus’ spine. “We agreed that this was to be kept as quiet as possible.”

“We?”

“Myself and Mr Shacklebolt. He is standing guard over McGonagall in case they try again.”

“And just who is it that attacked her?” Remus asked, pushing the whisky bottle away from him; he had the feeling he was going to need a clear head for this.

“Death Eaters. Who else?”

“Death Eaters?” Harry asked. “But they’re in Azkaban.”

“Not all of them, Harry,” Remus interjected. “We never did find out where the Malfoy’s had gone. Or how they managed to leave the country.” Remus stared very hard at Severus; he had his own ideas about that.

“So they attacked McGonagall and stole Dumbledore’s Pensieve. Why? His memory that proved Snape’s…innocence…is locked away at the Ministry. There’s nothing else in there.”

Remus couldn’t help but notice that Snape was looking decidedly, nervous. Not a look the man tended to adopt. And this still wasn’t answering his question about why Snape had invaded his mind.

“It wasn’t…completely empty.” Snape pursed his lips. While he and Harry had forged a truce leading up to Voldemort’s defeat, it was an uneasy one. Neither of them wanted to appear vulnerable before the other.

“Snape? It’s my son’s birthday, I haven’t got all day.” Harry was starting to think that Snape’s presence was too high a price to pay for his help during the war.

“I had stored some memories there. Of a…sensitive nature.” Snape kept his chin proudly high, but his eyes darted around the room, looking at anything but Harry and Remus.

“Sensitive? About the war?”

“No, more, of a personal nature. Things I’d rather were not revealed.”

“Personal?” Harry smirked. “How personal?”

“That is none of your damn business!”

“You’re the one who put McGonagall’s life in danger. The least you can do is answer the bloody question.”

“Harry, Severus, will you stop it! You’re both acting like children. Though I suppose there’s nothing new there,” Remus added under his breath. “Severus, if you want our help, you’re going to have to give us some idea of…”

“It was clearly a mistake to come here. I will deal with this myself. I merely wanted to inform you of Minerva’s condition. I’m sure she will appreciate some visitors…”

Snape began striding towards the door, oblivious to the fact that Harry was still standing in front of it.

“Severus…” Remus began, recognising the look in both men’s eyes. The same look they’d borne when Voldemort had disintegrated.

“Get out of my way, boy,” Snape snarled, his eyes boring into Harry’s skull.

“I’m not a boy…Get out of my…head!” Harry exclaimed, dropping his wand and clutching at his scarless forehead.

“Snape, for God’s sake!” Remus shouted, grabbing at Snape’s arm. Snape whirled around and somehow managed to knock Remus from his feet and across the room, where he went crashing into the drinks cabinet, severely winded. Whisky and glass showered around him. Harry sank to the floor, dazed but sure that Snape was gone from his mind. Snape looked over at Remus’ shocked face and a silent apology flitted before his eyes, before he hurried from the room and out the front door.

“What the bloody hell is going on?” Ron’s voice echoed down the stairs. “Harry? What’s happened?”

Harry and Remus exchanged rueful looks. If only they knew.

=========================

“So he attacked you for no reason?” Ginny was asking as she gently cleaned the slight cuts on Remus’ arms.

“No. He had a reason. He’s just keeping it to himself.”

“He’s lost his mind. He wasn’t right before the…you know, and he’s not right now,” Ron muttered to no one in particular. They had all heard this rant plenty of times before.

“He _attacked_ you.”

“He didn’t mean to,” Harry replied. Remus raised his eyebrows. “He just meant to move me out the way, and Remus got in the crossfire.”

“You’re defending Snape now? What, did you hit your head?” Ron asked.

“I think I’m going to head home now, thanks,” Remus cut in, stopping yet another one of Ron’s rants. If he wasn’t complaining about Snape having gone mad he was complaining about Harry not complaining about Snape. Ginny nodded.

“Let me go get you some cake to take home then,” she told him.

“No, no, I’ll be fine. I’m sorry this didn’t end very well, Ginny. I’ll call round in a few days.”

“All right, Remus, if you’re sure?” Ginny leaned over and kissed Remus on the cheek.

After hurriedly saying his goodbyes Remus half walked, half ran back to his cottage, fifteen minutes from the Potters. “Cold shower, cold shower,” he muttered under his breath as he walked through the front door and began stripping off his clothes as he went, not caring where they fell.

Finally he was able to slip into the shower, still carefully ignoring his growing erection. Remus had tried so hard the first time Snape had invaded his mind to make himself believe that it was an anomaly, that having another mind inside his own wasn’t arousing, that Snape’s mind had no effect on him, that it was a perfectly natural reaction to outside stimulus…

“Oh God, who am I kidding?” Remus moaned, reaching down and touching himself, the water from the shower splashing around his shoulders. He closed his eyes and tried to recapture the feeling of Snape’s mind. The second time, although brief had also been more powerful, and all Remus could think about was Snape’s hands upon his cock, Snape’s mouth, Snape’s mind fucking him up against the wall. As Snape’s tongue raked its way along his hip, as Snape’s fingers reached up to fondle his balls Remus was coming, hard and fast, leaving him breathless as he slumped down to the floor.

After ten minutes Remus began to feel cold and finally moved himself into his bedroom, trailing water on his bedroom carpet. He tied his shoulder length hair behind him and examined his body in the full-length mirror opposite his bed. The war had left him marked with scars but physically fit. He was thin, but not too thin, not now that he had a regular job tutoring Squibs. He wasn’t unattractive, he supposed. “Just desperate,” he murmured. Then he lay facedown on top of his bed, dripping wet, and fell into a deep sleep.

 

================

_There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory. - Josh Billings_

 

“Sirius, Sirius, Sirius, Sirius, Sirius, Sirius, Sirius, Siri…” Remus jumped up as the static on the radio penetrated his foggy consciousness.

“Damn it,” Remus muttered to himself. His front was still damp and his arms ached from the strange position they had been in all night. At least he didn’t have an erection any more.

He padded slowly back to the bathroom and then halted. Something wasn’t right. He hadn’t turned on the radio when he came in, had he? He re-ran last night through his mind – came home, shower, masturbate, sleep. No, no radio. So…

“I took the liberty of making some breakfast.”

 _Shit._ “Severus? What the hell are you…how did you get here?”

“Would you perhaps prefer to get dressed before we have this conversation?” Snape replied. Remus felt his face flush and hurried back into his bedroom to put on some clothes before his proximity to Snape caused his body to react. _Damn it, damn it, damn it._

Dressed in loose fitting trousers and a red T-shirt Remus took a moment to pull his thoughts together. He needed to think clearly and concisely. To listen to what Snape said but not to anything else. He couldn’t let Snape gain access to his surface thoughts and feelings. Though if he were to try and enter his mind by force…

“Don’t make me go in there after you,” Snape called out.

“Here goes nothing," Remus whispered.

He walked out into his living room to see that Snape had in fact made himself breakfast – bacon and eggs – and that he was drinking extremely black coffee. He poured himself a mug and added copious amounts of milk, ignoring Snape’s growl of disapproval.

“How did you get in here?” Remus asked as he seated himself opposite the other man at one of the two chairs before the fireplace.

“You should really improve your security,” Snape replied, “your password was ridiculously easy to decipher.”

Remus sighed. He supposed that Snape _was_ the only one alive who would be able to guess that one so accurately.

“What are you doing here?”

Snape hesitated. “I came to talk to you. About…before.”

“Which before would that be? When you invaded my mind or when you threw me across a room?”

Snape didn’t even flinch. _Bastard._ “If Potter hadn’t decided to…”

“Yes, yes, I was there, remember. I know you didn’t mean to. Apology accepted.”

Snape snorted. “I went to visit Minerva on the way here.”

“How is she?”

“Still unconscious. I managed to identify most of the curses but there are a few that are remarkably obscure. Miss Granger and Mr Longbottom are working on it.”

“Good,” Remus nodded. “I’ll have to visit her myself later.”

Snape stared down at his hands. Long, thin fingers and neatly trimmed nails splayed out on his knees. If Remus didn’t know better, he’d say that Snape was worried.

“Lupin, I know who attacked McGonagall.”

Remus nodded. This didn’t come as a surprise. “Go on.”

“It was Malfoy.”

“Malfoy? But he disappeared before Voldemort was killed. Why would he come back here now? What the hell was in that Pensieve, Severus?”

“No, not Lucius. Draco.”

“Draco? But he was cleared of…you testified…you lied.” It wasn’t a question. “You lied at the trial to keep Draco out of Azkaban. You said he had been working with you, that he knew you were spying for our side all along. But he didn’t, did he? He thought you were loyal to Voldemort…and his father?”

Snape’s silence was answer enough.

Remus got up and began to pace around the room. “He hates you that much?”

“So it would seem.”

“So he’s going to use this memory, whatever it is, against you? And Minerva got in the way?”

“I rather believe I underestimated his propensity for revenge.”

Remus shook his head. “What are you telling me this for?”

Snape looked up. His hair lay as it always did, lankly down to his shoulders. His skin was still too pale, his eyes still too dead. “I was rather hoping that you would help me retrieve my memory.”

“Why?”

“I’m sorry?” Snape looked genuinely confused.

“Why me, Severus? Surely there’s someone else who can…” Remus stopped when he saw the pained looked on Snape’s face. No, of course there would be no one else.

“I’m sorry to have troubled you.” Snape stood up suddenly and began heading towards the door.

“Severus, wait a minute.” Remus hurried after him, placing a hand on his arm and turning Snape around, with the werewolf strength he often forgot he even possessed. Snape was breathing heavily and tried to break free his arm from Remus' grip. And then their eyes locked. And Remus could tell that Snape knew what his mind inside Remus’ had done. And more than that, he could smell the desire. That’s the only reason he could think of for why he suddenly leaned forward and captured Snape’s lips with his own and manoeuvred him up against the front door.

“Lupin, stop…” Severus panted, pushing Remus away slightly.

“Make me,” Remus replied, his fingers unbuttoning Snape’s tunic. Snape’s pupils dilated but he didn’t move or say anything else so Remus leaned in and kissed him again. _So different from kissing Sirius._

“Get the hell off me,” Snape snapped, pushing Remus away from him much harder than before. His breathing was ragged and Remus was amazed how so many emotions managed to dance across Snape’s face for someone who only usually let anger show. It was the look of betrayal that hurt the most.

“Severus…”

“I came here for your help Remus, not to be mauled by a pining wolf.”

“I’m not pining for Sirius. We were never…together. Not like that.”

“ _"So different from kissing Sirius_?" Sound familiar?”

“You shouldn’t have been in my mind.”

“I wasn’t!”

Remus managed to raise a haughty eyebrow. “Really?”

“There are some people who’s emotions are easier for me to pick up now that…now I’m...” Snape closed his eyes and with a sigh leant back against the door. “Now that I don’t keep as many of my defences in place as I used to. I thought with the Dark Lord gone I would be able to relax. Marginally. It seems I was mistaken. No rest for the wicked.” The laugh he added was mirthless and damn near broke Remus’ heart.

“Sirius and I were never lovers.”

“Of all the things for me to be worried about…” Snape opened his eyes. “I don’t need your pity, wolf.”

“I wasn’t planning on giving any. Saving it all for myself.” Remus smiled then, the bright smile that Snape remembered form their childhood. The smile that no matter his troubles he could rely on to brighten his day even when, no, especially when it wasn’t directed at him.

“You’re an idiot.” But Snape was, god help him, smiling. Well, smirking pleasantly.

“What was the memory?”

“I’ll answer that if you answer me a question first.”

Remus naturally hesitated. This was the kind of game that Snape excelled at. There was no way for him to win. _Well, fortune favours the brave._

“Okay. Go ahead. Ask me anything.”

“How do you know what kissing Sirius was like?”

 _So much for fortune_. “If you’re really that interested, why don’t you see for yourself?”

“You’re freely and of your own will allowing me to enter your mind?” Snape asked, not even bothering to pretend that he was concerned about the idea.

Remus hesitated. He could back down. Snape could hardly think any less of him, after all. But the idea of Snape inside his mind, while terrifying, was also making him shockingly hard.

“Yes.”

Snape nodded slowly and before Remus could brace himself he was inside his mind and heading straight for the right memory. _God, how does he do that?_ And then Remus was plunged back into his own memories of their last year at school…

_James, Remus and Sirius were sitting on the grass in the shade by one of the greenhouses. They’d been taking a break from revising and talking about what they were going to do when they left, when Sirius had changed the conversation to girls…and sex._

_“Hufflepuffs. That’s where the best tits are. Definitely.”_

_Remus wished he’d brought a book out with him._

_“Nah, Gryffindor’s, definitely,” James had argued._

_“You would say that. James and Lily, sitting in a tree, James and Lily fucking constantly,” Sirius sing songed until James levitated his revision notes at his head._

_“Talking of fucking,” James said, “what were you up to last night with Judith?”_

_“Nothing much,” Sirius replied with a grin._

_Remus knew the part he had to play well. “No, come on Sirius, what were you doing?”_

_“She was just sucking me off,” Sirius declared proudly. Remus rolled his eyes. “God, just thinking about her mouth on my cock is making me hard.” Sirius had been having sex for at least two years and he never failed to tell Remus and James all the gory details. But there was something different, even more reckless than usual in the air as Sirius undid his trousers and took them off._

_“Sirius, mate, what you doing?”_

_“Getting more comfortable. You should try it.” Sirius winked at them both and then slipped off his underwear, to reveal an already half-hard cock. James looked on in bemusement while Remus tried not to look at all. “Come on, it feels so good…” Sirius moaned as he reached for and fondled James’ cock through his trousers. Remus fidgeted. Sirius smiled broadly, leaned over and kissed Remus firmly on the mouth, while slowly massaging Remus' aching cock through his trousers. “Take them off,” Sirius ordered and Remus found himself doing exactly that, gasping as the cool air hit his body. James was hurriedly removing his own trousers._

_“What exactly did Judith do to you?” James panted, moving his hand up and down his own length._

_“Let me show you…” Sirius leaned over and put Remus’ whole cock in his mouth and began sucking, hard. Remus bucked up uncontrollably and gasped as Sirius began moving his hand up his thigh. Sirius’ mouth was so hot and felt so good. Then Sirius hand went around Remus' back and inside of him…_

And Remus’ eyes shot open. _Oh god._ He was lying on the settee, his knees up around his shoulders and three of Snape’s fingers inside of him. “Oh, god, oh, Severus, please…” He felt like he would explode but Snape was holding back on him. He could feel Snape’s fingers scissoring themselves inside of him and it felt so good, but he could also feel them stroking his hair out of his face, tweaking at his nipples, could feel himself inside his mind being fucked over and over, as Sirius’ face turned to Snape’s and then back again.

“How much of that was real, and how much fantasy?” Snape panted, licking a wet trail along Remus’ neck and then biting down, hard.

“Oh, that…so good…can’t you tell?” Remus half-replied. And then Snape was probing further in his mind, deeper and deeper, and the power was so intoxicating Remus was sure he would come before Snape even entered him and he desperately didn’t want that to happen.

Snape smiled as he deciphered the real from the unreal. “Ah, I see. You were spying on Lily giving James a blowjob. Interesting.”

And Remus’ mind was forced to relive that moment. When he’d accidentally come across Lily and James after their last exam and instead of hurrying away, as he usually did when he interrupted one of their sessions, he’d watched. And got hard. And then he reached inside his trousers and before he knew it he was coming. Only he hadn’t wanted to be sucked off by Lily, he had wanted to be the one giving the blowjob, and that had terrified him.

“Oh, how touching,” Snape sneered, even as he whispered the protection spell against the ear he was nibbling. “The first time you realised you wanted to be fucked by a man? How does this compare?”

With no other warning Snape pushed himself inside, both body and mind, until Remus didn’t know where one began and the other ended. He felt like he could see himself being fucked by Snape, could feel how wonderful it felt to have the other man thrusting inside him and hitting that one spot over and over, but it was if he was no longer fully in control of his body. And then he felt Snape’s mind massaging his own, flitting in and out of old fantasies – the wolf fucking some man up against a tree (which Snape hurriedly glossed over), fucking a dark haired man dressed only in stockings and heels – and the reality, - the first boyfriend who’d come after two touches and wouldn’t reciprocate, the man who took his virginity, lovingly in a silk sheeted bed, the old boyfriend who’d shown him exactly what he meant when he said he was going to fuck him so hard he wouldn’t be sitting down for a month. And as each memory became clearer, so Snape’s power inside his mind, each thrust, became more intoxicating. It was as he began to worry that he’d never be able to come again without Snape’s mind inside his own that Snape pulled out completely and then…in, so hard that Remus believed he’d shatter. Until he was coming and shouting so loudly that he was still on a high as Snape gently pulled out and cleaned them both up before laying beside the other man. He took a moment to stroke Remus’ hair out of his face, in a surprisingly tender gesture.

“That was…” Remus couldn’t imagine a suitable word to describe what he was feeling. Snape seemed to feel the same way as he merely nodded and lay his own tired head against Remus’ chest. Remus hesitatingly put his arm around Snape and drew him closer and when that didn’t cause any words of protest he snuggled down even further to make sure that both he and Snape were comfortable.

“You’re not going to go all Gryffindor on me, are you?” Snape asked after a moment. “I have no interest in discussing feelings.” The word tripped off his tongue like poison. Remus laughed.

“No, Severus. Not if you don’t want me to. Though I would like some answers.”

Remus wondered if he’d pushed things too hard too soon, but Severus seemed to pull himself inward.

“The memory which was stolen from the Pensieve.” He stopped, unwilling or perhaps unable to go on. Remus shifted both himself and Snape until they were seated more comfortably on the settee.

“I’m going to get some clothes, then,” Remus replied after a few more moments of silence. And when Snape still didn’t say anything he disappeared into his bedroom.

When he came out, fully dressed, he saw that Snape was gone. _Oh._ Trying to fight his disappointment he went into the kitchen to fix himself some more coffee when he heard the toilet flush. He then had to fight back the enormous grin that insisted on planting itself on his face as he noted with satisfaction that Snape had only gone into the bathroom.

Snape came out, dressed in all but his outer coat and nodded towards the coffee pot. “I’ll have some more, if you’re offering.”

“Of course, Severus. Would you like anything else to eat?” Snape shook his head as Remus pottered around the kitchen, banging cutlery down in an attempt to cancel out the silence.

“I killed my father.”

Whatever Remus had expected Snape to say that wasn’t it. “You…” Remus sank down into a chair. “When?”

“The day after I joined the Death Eaters. It was an…initiation, of sorts. Lucius’ idea though the Dark Lord certainly had no objections. Dumbledore knew of course, I told him when I switched sides. But of the living Death Eaters only Lucius knew…and now of course Draco.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“The idea that I have killed can hardly come as a surprise to you, Lupin,” Snape snapped, obviously annoyed.

“No. Of course not.” But Remus had grown very still and quiet.

“The Ministry pardoned me for all past offences because of my work with the Order and Potter. But if this were to get out…” Snape sighed. “I never expected to live, never mind have the chance of working again. Of having…options. I killed Dumbledore. My only friend. There is no getting away from that, and nor do I want to. But there were circumstances…I had no choice…”

“You don’t have to explain to me, Snape.”

The use of Snape’s last name where Remus had always insisted on his first hurt more than he thought possible. “I’m not asking you to condone my actions…”

“Ha. Good.”

“Remus..?”

“Don’t, Snape. Just…don’t. Killing in war is one thing but…your father? And you what? Wanted my help in getting this memory back? Why?”

“Because there’s something that you don’t know about the Malfoys. About what happened to Draco before the Dark Lord’s defeat.”

“And what would be so surprising about Draco?”

“He’s a werewolf.”

================

After three cups of coffee and a bacon sandwich Remus was finally getting his head around Snape’s revelation. _A werewolf._ No wonder Snape didn’t want to go after him alone. 

“So, let me see if I’ve got this straight. Before I killed Greyback he went on a rampage within the Death Eater compound – in order to take back power from Voldemort -, which is why Voldemort’s forces were so depleted. Most were killed, but some, including Draco, survived and became werewolves.”

“Essentially those are the pertinent facts. Yes.”

“And now Draco for, whatever reason, is after you for revenge…”

“Despite my continued attempts to convince him otherwise he believed that I was completely loyal to the Dark Lord. He thought…he thought that the Dark Lord was…”

“I wish you wouldn’t call him that. He’s gone, Severus.”

Snape pursed his lips. “Very well. He thought that _Voldemort_ was sincere when he claimed he would make a New World order and that werewolves would be free and at his side. So when I entered the battle with Potter against Voldemort he saw it as a betrayal of himself. All those times I’d gone out of my way to protect the stupid boy and he… No, that’s beside the point. At first he thought it was my general disg…unease around werewolves, and then he saw it as a betrayal of his values…if you could call them such.”

“And so how did he find out about your memory?” Remus asked, entranced despite himself by the fluid motions of Snape’s hands as he punctuated his words and the silken tone of voice. _What am I getting myself into?_

“I can only presume that Lucius told him.”

“And how do you know that Lucius isn’t helping him? That Narcissa isn’t?”

“Lucius disowned him the moment he was bitten.”

“Of course. Can’t have a dark creature in the family,” Remus muttered bitterly. 

“Old families…”

“Don’t try and justify their beliefs to me, Severus. You have the same ones.”

“Don’t tell me what my beliefs are!”

“Are you saying you don’t hate werewolves? That you aren’t afraid of them!” Remus had stood up and was shouting now, furious at himself for losing control but only able to watch, disconnected, as his mouth ran away from him. “That you don’t wish every one of us were dead?”

“I don’t wish you were dead,” Snape replied, so quietly that it was almost a whisper. “And can you blame me for being afraid of werewolves? Without the wolfsbane they have no control. Say what you will about them in their human form, after the transformation they _are_ animals.” 

Remus found that he was shaking too much to reply. He picked up the chair he had knocked over and set it against the wall. He leaned his head against the wall then, his back to Snape. He almost jumped out of his skin when he found Snape was gently propelling him to sit down on the sofa. 

Snape’s deliberate motions were somehow soothing to Remus’ anxious brain and he unconsciously relaxed into Snape's touch until he was moaning in pleasure as Snape nipped at his neck. “Shh,” Snape whispered as he licked an ear and then moved around so he was straddling the other man. 

The kiss was more relaxed than any they had shared up to that point, though it didn’t help Remus sort out his feelings, far from it. But right now all he cared about was memorising the inside of Snape’s mouth. Finally they broke apart. Remus looked up into Snape’s dark eyes and had to shake himself not to fall back into his memories. 

“What are you doing to me?” 

“I’m not doing anything you don’t want.”

“That’s not what I said, Severus.” A sudden thought occurred to him. “You don’t have to seduce me into helping you, you do know that?” Snape’s eyes narrowed but apart from that there was no discernible reaction. 

“Is that what you think I’m doing?”

“Well…I…No?” 

Snape stood up. “Too difficult to believe that I could care for anyone, is it? Of course, it is. How foolish of me.” Snape began to stride towards the door and this time Remus didn’t stop him. “I will contact you when I have located Draco.” And with that he was gone. 

===========

The next day, while Remus was in the middle of a tutoring lesson, Snape’s owl came careening through the window and collided with a lamp. The squib he’d been teaching basic wand work to had jumped up from her seat and shattered the glass in the picture frame of James and Sirius he kept above the fire. When he’d finally calmed her down enough to get her safely home he took a moment to stare at the fragments of glass on the floor before a quick “reparo” had it looking as good as new. 

“If only you knew what I was feeling right now, you’d probably revoke my Marauder’s Licence,” he murmured, rubbing his thumb on top of Sirius’ face. 

The squawking of the owl reminded him that this note probably required an answer. 

_Hogwarts._

_SS._

“Then again, maybe not.”

Remus hadn’t been back to Hogwarts since Dumbledore’s funeral. His memories of the place were so confused now that he could barely separate the good from the bad; they all just became an inconsistent blur of emotion. McGonagall had asked him if he wanted to resume teaching there but he hadn’t been able to face it. He wasn’t surprised that Snape hadn’t wanted to go back either. All the things that had happened to him there, all the things that Snape had done there; it was a wonder that he could even face stepping foot on the grounds.

As it was a weekend he floo'd into the Gryffindor common room and then followed the sounds of screaming to the front door. Harry Potter, newest Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher was red in the face, positively shouting himself hoarse at an unusually unresponsive Snape. 

“If you’ve quite finished, Mr Potter?” Snape sneered. 

“No I bloody haven’t. It’s one thing you endangering Remus’ life but…”

“Who said my life was being endangered?” Remus enquired, though if pushed he could hardly deny it. But then that was true of being Harry’s friend. 

“Remus,” Snape greeted him, inclining his head. He looked almost, wistful. Harry, oblivious as usual, launched straight back into his rant. 

“Snape says you’re going after some werewolf in the Forbidden Forest. On your own. And it’s not even the full moon so what you…”

“He’s in the forest? Aren’t the centaurs kicking up a fuss?” Remus asked, completely ignoring an incredulous Harry. 

“Indeed. That’s how I found him.”

“So, we’re just going to go in and confront him?”

“Unless you have a better plan?” Snape asked with a slight upturn of his lips. 

“You’ve _both_ lost your minds,” Harry said, convinced now that neither one of them was going to pay the slightest attention to anything he had to say. “Fine. Just be careful, will you? Both of you.” Snape seemed surprised to be included but inclined his head nevertheless. 

“We know what we’re doing, Harry,” Remus said. In fact, he had no idea how Snape was planning on solving this, but Harry didn’t need to know that. 

“Well, all right. Just…let me know when you’re back?”

“Of course,” Remus replied. He patted Harry on the shoulder and followed Snape outside into the light. It was a scorching day, one of the hottest Scotland had had in decades, and Remus was more than glad he’d decided on a simple T-shirt and trousers, unlike Snape’s rather elaborate costume. 

“Do you ever wear anything other than black?”

“You’ve seen me in less.”

“I’m sorry…was that a joke?” Remus asked, amused. Snape didn’t reply but his shoulders were decidedly less tense than when they had been inside. 

Once they reached Hagrid’s hut Snape motioned them to stop. “Is the plan really just for us to go in there?” Remus asked. 

“Something like that.”

“Feel free to fill me in at any time.”

Snape gave a long-suffering sigh. “One of the centaurs is going to meet us here and lead us to where Draco is residing. Hopefully I should be able to talk him into returning my memory.”

“And if not?”

“Then we shall have to take it by force.”

“I still don’t understand why you need me here. It’s the middle of the day, and I have no doubt that you are more than a match for Draco.”

“You haven’t told him, then, Mr Snape?” Firenze, the new head of the Centaur Liaison Division at the Ministry, stepped out of the shadows. Snape sighed. 

“Firenze? What are you doing out here?”

“I was asked to step in by my fellow centaurs after the child’s appearance. Mr Snape has always been respectful of the centaurs domain, so I volunteered to show you to the werewolf’s location.”

“I see.” Remus replied, though he didn’t really. “What haven’t you told me?” He turned to Snape who’s face seemed flush. 

“I was perhaps more economical with the truth than strictly necessary.” _Here it comes._ When Draco was bitten magic was being thrown about the room with abandon. It was complete chaos. No one was aiming correctly. Several spells hit Draco before he could defend himself.”

“And?” Remus pressed. 

“And the child was left more wolf than man,” Firenze said. 

“He was what?”

“The combination of the spells and the werewolf’s bite. They did something to Draco’s metabolism. It will takes years for me to be able to replicate the effects, if I am ever able to. And reversing them seems impossible.”

“I still don’t understand,” Remus told them. “What effect did the spells have?”

“Draco is permanently half-man, half-wolf. He doesn’t change at the full moon. He is stuck half-way.”

“Dear God.”

=========================

_Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future. – Louis B. Smedes_

 

The plan was simple. Too simple in Remus’ opinion but he had been overruled by Snape. They were to head behind Draco and surprise him. Remus had tried to gauge how much of a werewolf Draco was – whether his sense of smell had improved, his hearing, but Snape had no idea. 

“This is ridiculous.”

“Would you rather I was given the Kiss? Because that’s what will happen if that memory is made public.”

“You don’t know that Severus. Harry would speak up for you. So would I.” 

Snape’s eyes softened. “I know that you would. But…it’s my memory. And I want it back.”

Remus could understand the importance of memories. He couldn’t imagine what it would be like to have his missing. “All right, I’ll go ahead with this insanity.”

“Thank you.” Snape leaned forward and hesitatingly kissed Remus on the cheek. Remus opened his mouth but Snape was heading off before he could work out what exactly it was he wanted to say. 

An hour’s brisk walk and they were at an obviously hastily constructed cabin that smelt of decay. Remus’ senses tingled with the closeness of another werewolf. He had visited the odd werewolf in hospital after the war, tried to convince them to join with the new Ministry rather than go against it, but largely to no avail. They still distrusted him because he identified as a wizard first and everything else second. 

Snape motioned for complete silence and Remus was more than happy to oblige. Firenze nodded once and then retreated back. He would defend himself if attacked, but otherwise this was Snape’s problem. 

“You stink of werewolf,” came a haughty call from somewhere to their right. Snape raised his eyes at Remus and then shrugged. Obviously subterfuge was pointless. They both stood from their crouching positions, wands drawn and a shielding spell already in place. Moving gracefully over the tree roots and dying leaves Snape headed towards where the voice had come from, Remus following. 

“Stay where you are!” Draco yelled, his voice trembling. 

“All I want is the memory. Then I’ll leave you alone.”

“Leave me alone? Here. You think I like this place?” Draco was nearly sobbing now. Snape hesitated. It seems that this wasn’t going according to plan. 

“Draco… Let me help you.”

“Help? What are you and the _Gryffindor_ going to do? Make it all better?” Draco stepped out into the clearing. No explanation would ever have sufficiently prepared Remus for the sight of Draco, his familiar features frozen into a sneer. His legs were those of a wolf, although one which was taller than average and balanced on two feet, his left arm was that of a paw while his right was his normal, wand-holding hand. His chest was clearly visible through the dirty jacket he was wearing and was covered with thick grey fur, though otherwise it looked human enough. Remus tried to school his face but he was clearly too late. 

“Do I disgust you, wolf?” Draco spat. “Enjoy the feeling. It’s the same way Snape feels about you. Though I guess even he’ll put that aside for a quick fuck?”

“Draco. Language.”

Draco laughed humourlessly. “You’re nothing to me. You can’t tell me what to do.” He began to cough then, a harsh racking cough that made Remus cringe. Clearly the transformation, or lack of it, was damaging his body. 

“Draco, let us help you,” Remus pleaded. Whatever their differences he couldn’t stand by and see another werewolf in such pain. 

“No, go away, leave me alone…” Draco began to babble, falling to his feet as his body was once more racked by a coughing fit. 

“Draco, please,” Snape said. He sat down next to Draco, careful to keep some distance away from his clawed hand. “Haven’t I always done my best to protect you?”

“You didn’t protect me against this.” Snape flinched. 

“No. I didn’t protect you against Voldemort. Or your father either.”

“A Gryffindor would tell you that trying is what matters.”

“A Slytherin knows better,” Snape replied. Draco nodded weakly and spat some blood to the floor. “I had no idea…” Snape couldn’t finish the sentence. It was obvious that Draco didn’t have long. 

“How can we help?” Remus asked, kneeling down, his wand still gripped tightly in his hand. He never underestimated a Slytherin.

“I just wanted you to come,” he said to Snape. “That’s why I took your memory. Father told me about it. Said it would help me understand how to manipulate you.” Snape’s eyes narrowed. “I knew you’d come after me.”

“All you had to do was ask,” Snape replied softly. Remus was surprised at the change of tone until he saw Snape’s knuckles turning white around his wand. 

“The idea of being publicly mocked really gets to you, doesn’t it?” Draco said, his tone of voice suddenly stronger. “Having everyone know your past.”

“What have you done with it?”

“Sent it to _The Daily Prophet_ this morning.”

Remus gasped as time stood still. He could feel Snape’s mind probing Draco’s and could feel his own physical response to Snape’s mind overwhelming him. He tried to think of anything to stop it and eventually came up with the unsettling image of Dumbledore and Minerva having sex which soon seemed to dampen his own ardour. 

There was a strange popping sound and then everything returned to normal. Remus shook his head to clear the ringing. 

“He’s telling the truth,” Snape told him through gritted teeth. 

“We should…” Remus had no time to finish his sentence. Draco launched himself at Snape, the claws on his paw extended. Snape fell on to his back and brought his wand up but he’d never be able to cast a spell in time. Realising all this in the blink of an eye Remus did the only thing he could think of, which was to kick Draco in the ribs and as far away from Snape as he could. It was effective enough as Draco winced at the pain and fell to the floor, his claws narrowly missing Snape’s leg. Half-pulling half-dragging Snape to a standing position Remus kept a close eye on Draco, who didn’t try and get up. Snape, seeming more disappointed than angry quickly conjured some rope to tie the young man up. 

“I’ll have the centaurs bring him back to the castle.”

“They’ll probably kill him,” Remus argued, though he realised that Draco was barely living as it was. 

“You do it,” Draco wheezed, his eyes fixed on Snape. “A potion.”

Snape turned to Remus. “If he moves…”

“I’m not going to kill him, Severus.”

“No, I suppose you wouldn’t.” Snape entered the cabin and returned after a few moments. Remus, who had grown even more uncomfortable with Draco’s pleas, was glad to see him return. 

“Did you find anything?” 

Snape shook his head. Even though he had read Draco’s mind he had still needed to be absolutely sure his memory was gone. Turning to Draco he kneeled down and took out a vial from his pocket. “This will kill you instantly.” 

Draco nodded. “I don’t want to suffer.”

“I know, Draco, I know. If I could…” Snape didn’t know how to do this, comfort the dying, so he just unstoppered the potion and poured it into Draco’s mouth. 

Draco slumped forward, his eyes slid shut, and he gave his final breath. Remus stepped away to give Snape some time. He saw Firenze in the distance and walked over to him. 

“It’s done then?” 

Remus nodded. “Will you make sure the body is taken care of? I don’t think his parents will.”

“Of course. All creatures of the woods deserve a decent burial. You and he are lovers?”

Remus was surprised at the personal question. “Um, I don’t know.”

“He is a difficult man.”

Remus couldn’t help smiling. “He is that.”

“I heard what the boy said. Is Snape in danger?”

“No more than usual,” Snape replied, having crept up on them without even Remus’ hearing alerting them to his presence. “Thank you for your help, Firenze. I will see you soon, I’m sure.” They nodded to each other and then Firenze headed off to the left and Remus and Snape headed to the nearest apparition point. 

“What are you going to do?” Remus asked after several minutes of surprisingly companionable silence. Severus seemed wearier than even during the war. 

“What can I do? No doubt the Prophet will exult in my downfall. And if I’m not given the Kiss I will surely be ostracised. Not that I suppose I’ll be able to tell the difference.”

“Severus,” Remus began, placing a hand on Snape’s arm to get him to stop. “We could go away somewhere. Somewhere unplottable.” Snape stared at him as if he’d grown another head. 

“Foolish Gryffindor. I don’t run away. You of all people should know that.”

“It wouldn’t be running away, it would be preservation.”

“You would give up your life here, just to be with me?”

“I can’t deny the way I feel about you. I’ve always been interested in you. But it was easier not to care when it seemed you hated me so. I schooled myself to be indifferent to your presence. But when you entered me…” Remus blushed at the way that had come out. 

“You only love me for my mind?”

“Oh, dear, another joke. The end of the world is nigh, it seems.”

Snape actually smiled though it didn’t quite reach his eyes, which still bore the horror of seeing someone else he cared for die at his own hand. Remus gently squeezed his arm. “I meant what I said, but if you don’t want to leave, that’s okay too. But I don’t think you should be alone tonight. Come home with me?”

There was a strange look in Snape’s eyes as he accepted the invitation. It wasn’t until they had reached the apparition point that Remus realised what it was. Hope. 

 

=============

 

They’d barely got inside the door before Remus was pulling Snape into the bedroom, discarding clothes as he went. Snape seemed uncertain until Remus kissed him and nothing else mattered except the two of them, right now. With every kiss Remus planted against Snape’s chest came forgiveness for every sin he’d ever committed, with every gentle caress came absolution for all the pain that he’d stored away, with every touch of flesh against flesh came a freedom to love that Snape thought had died in childhood. 

Once satiated both men clung to the other, not wanting this night to end. Remus planted a chaste kiss atop Snape’s head. “Whatever happens tomorrow, I’m not going anywhere.”

“You haven’t asked me why I did it,” Snape whispered. 

“I don’t need to know.”

Snape nodded, apparently satisfied. It was still early but both men were exhausted from the ravages of the day and soon fell into a long slumber. Remus’ owl, trying to peck his way through the window that Remus had forgotten to leave open, eventually awakened them. 

“I’m coming Tobias, just give me a minute,” Remus grumbled, untangling himself from Snape’s limbs. He stopped short of opening the window when he saw that the bird had the _Prophet_ tied to its leg. 

“We should get this over with.” Snape sat up brusquely; the only signs of worry the way his fingers fidgeted with the bed covers. Remus nodded and opened the window. 

The owl flew all over the place before finally settling on the bed and lifting its leg. Remus untied the paper and fed the owl a piece of yesterday’s bacon he had put aside for it. Apparently satisfied it flew over to its perch and began preening itself. 

“Are you ready?”

“Just get it over with,” Snape sighed and closed his eyes, gripping the covers tightly.

Remus opened the paper to the front page, scanned it, and then scanned it again. “I don’t see it.”

Snape’s eyes snapped open. “Check the rest of it.”

Remus did, twice. Nowhere could he see any mention of Snape. He finally handed the paper over to an anxious Snape as he went to answer the doorbell. Most witches and wizards owled first so it was a surprise when he saw Luna Lovegood of all people standing on his doorstep. 

“Luna? What on earth are you doing here?”

“Is Professor Snape in?” she asked breezily. Remus’ startled face must have registered with her finally. “Oh, everybody knows.” Remus could only nod dazedly and let her inside. _Harry_. 

“Who was…it?” Snape appeared in the doorway wearing Remus’ dressing gown. He had to admit, Snape did look good in it. 

“Hello Professor.”

“I haven’t been your professor for quite some time Miss Lovegood.”

“Did you want something?” Remus interrupted. 

“I thought you might want this back.” She held up a small vial that clearly held a silvery substance. Snape recognised it marginally quicker than Remus. 

“Is that…where did you get that?” Snape demanded. 

“Dad’s been getting me to intercept the _Prophet’s_ mail for the _Quibbler_. When I saw who this was from I had to take a peek. Sorry.” She seemed unapologetic in the face of Snape’s ashen features. 

“You…saw it.” Snape repeated slowly. Luna only nodded and held the vial out to Snape. Slowly he took it from her and held the vial up to the light. “I’m just going to…” he motioned towards the bathroom and disappeared into it. Remus watched his retreating back anxiously. 

“I’m not going to tell anyone.”

Remus turned towards Luna, he’d almost forgotten she was there. “I’m sure you’re not. Thank you Luna. You have no idea what this means to us. If…if there’s anything I can do for you, just let me know.”

“I’d love to write a werewolf piece,” Luna asked immediately. Clearly she had already thought about this possibility. Remus smiled at her enthusiasm. 

“Very well. It’s probably about time I appealed to the werewolves again. Owl me in a couple of days and we can sort something out.”

“Great. Thank you Professor Lupin.” 

“I’m not Professor…” But it was too late, Luna was already hurrying out of the door, shouting something about a Blibbering Humdinger sighting she had to chronicle. 

“That girl is…astonishing.” Snape said, striding purposefully out of the bathroom to stand next to Remus. 

“She really is. I don’t think Harry could have found that final Horcrux without her.” He turned to see that Snape was smiling down at him. It was strangely disconcerting. “You seem happy.”

“I am. For the first time in my life, I truly am.” Then he pulled Remus towards him and kissed him as if his life depended on it. Barely surfacing for air this time it was Snape who pulled Remus into the bedroom, slamming the door firmly closed behind them.


End file.
